I am very lost.07:18 Jul 18 2010
Times Read: 723
I can't seem to get out of this depression that I've been in for the past several years. Oh, I have my "happy" moments, but there's always the underlying feelings of fear, hopelessness and helplessness.
For awhile, there was something in my life that almost completely took my mind off all that troubled me. Unfortunately, that "something" is gone now... at least, for awhile. So, I have very few distractions... other than work... to help me through my days. And when the feeling hits me, I am just overwhelmed with negativity... almost to the point of just wanting to get in my car and just drive.... away... and never look back.
I'm so good at telling other people... my friends and even random strangers that share their worries or sorrows with me (and that does seem to happen a lot, that people I don't really know feel compelled to open themselves up to me)... to look for and focus on all that is positive in their life. Yet, I can't seem to do that myself... not when I really need to.
I've posted other journal entries that hint at my emotional state... but, I can never bring myself to just lay it all out there. I want to... really badly... but, I am afraid to. I want my friends to know EXACTLY what's got me so worried and sad, but I can't bring myself to burden them with specifics. And sometimes, there isn't anything specific... it's just a heavy feeling I get, that I can't push aside. Part of me is scared of what other people - particularly my friends - will think of me after reading this crap. The other part of me is desperate for someone to assure me I'm not a danger to myself and others.
I have always been one to deal with my problems by myself. I've had to learn to rely mostly on me, because some of the more important people in my life that I allowed myself to trust and depend upon, ended up either screwing me over or just not being who I thought they were.
Something I find very interesting and at the same time kind of unsettling, is that most of the people I consider my absolute best, most cherished and adored friends, I met here on VR... most of whom I've never met in real life... and a few that I have only ever exchanged messages with and never even spoke to on the phone.
What does all that say about me... about the kind of person I am... about how my mind works and how I function in the "real" world... ?
I feel that I've disappointed everyone in my life... let them down, in one way or another... that they all would've been better off had I not existed. I guess most everyone has those same feelings, to a certain extent. But, I believe in my case it's absolutely true. I feel that I've brought bad luck to the people that I've loved the most... especially my children. I can't change the things that have brought us to this point in our lives... no one can even imagine how much I wish I could make things right for my sons. But, I can't.
I just want to cry now. For awhile. Sometimes I feel the need to wallow in self pity and loathing... I feel I deserve to endure those emotions... that sometimes I don't have the right to feel happy.
I really am very lost right now.
But, I'll be okay.
I have to be.
COMMENTS
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atyourwindow
10:33 Jul 18 2010
are you gonna find jesus and start going to church now? lol
CAJOME
20:07 Jul 18 2010
WhiteWolf
02:47 Jul 19 2010
Well when you decide to just pack up & drive don't forget to swing down to Tenn to pick me up. You can't leave your minion behind. Plus i still owe ya that hot cocoa & story lol. Who else has all the coppery shiny pennies to give you when you need them? Yours truly of course.. :) ;)
You know you can email me anytime to just talk or even to just vent. I promise i will listen & listen some more. If you just wanted to call i will gladly give you my number as well.
*BIG HUGS* to you, my good friend & mentor.
Reason why people open up to you is because you are a wonderful person with a good heart that cares ;)
CAJOME
06:20 Jul 19 2010
eMetiB226
19:50 Jul 19 2010
and when you swing by Tenn, don't forget me.
Sometimes, we don't have the words to express...or simply just can't face them yet. I read a book recently that said when you are down it is NOT the time to take inventory of your life.
You could not convince me that you have been a letdown to ANYONE...much less your kids. Saying snap out of it is easier said than done...you need to pinpoint what it is...not WHO...and then work from there. a WHO may be a big part of your life, but it isn't all of YOU.
and I am disappointed that my belly dancing and jiggling all around in front of you has not given you a little "happy" in your southern hot Arizona :P
CAJOME
20:48 Jul 19 2010
eMetiB226
01:48 Jul 20 2010
I had wondered with whom the bell had landed...lol
DestroyingAngel
08:24 Jul 20 2010
It troubles me to read this. Mostly because you BRING so much joy to me as a friend...and it TRULY TRULY SUCKS that I cant hug you right now....DAMMIT! *huggggsssss*
CAJOME
17:23 Jul 20 2010
WhiteWolf
21:20 Jul 27 2010
Well my thoughtfulness & understanding come from being rubbed off on from you. Out of all the people i knew before when i was on here once before, you are the only 1 to recall who i was & still care enough to ask me how i was & even listen to my constant groaning.... So we all might be far away but we all love ya because you are a great person.
By the way, what kind of books do i need to have on hand just in case you swing by my way? :D